This is something that I don't share with many people but I thought that in the spirit of transparency and after reading another blog I frequent with a similar confession, I decided I would go ahead and share with everyone.
It is so hard to be all about God! Maybe some of you know what I mean, maybe some don't. We are all supposed to be only about God's kingdom growth, not ourselves right? That's one of the things I find myself struggling with the most.
Its not a secret that Northern California is not exactly the "church capital of the world," and although I love it dearly and the people here, mega churches don't really exist out here. The problem is, however, that most of the conferences I go to are at mega churches and I see these mega church pastors and mega church worship leaders. I see all of their top of the line equipment, their huge stable of professional musicians (we have great musicians here, unfortunately we don't have as many as a larger church would), their great facilities, their well produced CDs and videos, and I think, "I'm as good as that guy, how can I get there?" How can I get those things I so desperately "need." Then there's Church Production Magazine (one of my favorites). I told my worship team last week that its like Worship Pastor "pornography," with pictures of new equipment, and great church setups. Then I look at our blue and yellow gym that we have to set up each Saturday, our projection screens that will likely fall on someones head before new ones arrive, and our pieced together sound, lighting, and computer equipment. It can be depressing when you have these lofty and unrealistic expectations and a super "big head" (both figuratively and litereally) like me.
Who am I to think I deserve these things. I've been in full time ministry for almost 3 years. That's it! I haven't paid my dues, or really even had to struggle as most young ministers do. And yet I feel like I have a rain cloud over my head. I have trouble being happy for someone who made it big because I want it to be me. I want people to read my blog, buy my CD, and wait at the doors of Bay Hills just to hear my band play. What a jerk!
However, we all have something that we struggle with, that causes us to sin. Paul called it his "thorn in the flesh." Its what keeps us leaning on Jesus instead of "our own understanding." I am just grateful that God can still use an egotistical sinner like me to do His work in the church, and I hope to one day be "ALL ABOUT GOD."
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It is so hard to be all about God! Maybe some of you know what I mean, maybe some don't. We are all supposed to be only about God's kingdom growth, not ourselves right? That's one of the things I find myself struggling with the most.
Its not a secret that Northern California is not exactly the "church capital of the world," and although I love it dearly and the people here, mega churches don't really exist out here. The problem is, however, that most of the conferences I go to are at mega churches and I see these mega church pastors and mega church worship leaders. I see all of their top of the line equipment, their huge stable of professional musicians (we have great musicians here, unfortunately we don't have as many as a larger church would), their great facilities, their well produced CDs and videos, and I think, "I'm as good as that guy, how can I get there?" How can I get those things I so desperately "need." Then there's Church Production Magazine (one of my favorites). I told my worship team last week that its like Worship Pastor "pornography," with pictures of new equipment, and great church setups. Then I look at our blue and yellow gym that we have to set up each Saturday, our projection screens that will likely fall on someones head before new ones arrive, and our pieced together sound, lighting, and computer equipment. It can be depressing when you have these lofty and unrealistic expectations and a super "big head" (both figuratively and litereally) like me.
Who am I to think I deserve these things. I've been in full time ministry for almost 3 years. That's it! I haven't paid my dues, or really even had to struggle as most young ministers do. And yet I feel like I have a rain cloud over my head. I have trouble being happy for someone who made it big because I want it to be me. I want people to read my blog, buy my CD, and wait at the doors of Bay Hills just to hear my band play. What a jerk!
However, we all have something that we struggle with, that causes us to sin. Paul called it his "thorn in the flesh." Its what keeps us leaning on Jesus instead of "our own understanding." I am just grateful that God can still use an egotistical sinner like me to do His work in the church, and I hope to one day be "ALL ABOUT GOD."
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3 comments:
I read your blog & I LOVE your CD.
I think that we will get to where you want to go - someday. Someday just never seems to get here quick enough.
I really believe that Bay Hills wouldn't be what it is today without you! Thanks for all you do.
Yeah, I think you're right Cheryl. Every time I start to get impatient I have to remind myself how short of a time its actually been. Thanks for reading my blog and loving my CD.
i am a worship leader in N Wilkesboro NC..i really appreciate your comments, my problem is being SO gifted, i`ve been selfish w/my skills, actually turning people away, that turning them into Christ, man i`ve been thru a BRUTAL BRUTAL BRUTAL test,,i have been blamed for people leaving, even if they just stuck their head in, left over a yr ago, you name it, then i get SCHOOLED by a visiting worship session guy for ( pastor set that up) friday night who`s training to be a rock star in Nashville, i want to BLOW UP, FREAK OUT and LEAVE,,but....
i think of eternity, i think of what Jesus has done for ME, of ALL the GREAT TIMES we`ll have in the new Heaven, new jerusalem, and earth, and maybe JUST maybe i`ll get ta crank my Marshall to where i really like it during worship,,so..
NONE of me, ALL Jesus
your blog saved my life, i really mean it..
sincerely, jim price
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